those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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