we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
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You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
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She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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