If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
