The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
