Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
