there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
