cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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