come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
