i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
my shit smells like andre
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
