i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I need to stop coming to work sober
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
