And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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