I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
