ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
