i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
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My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
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Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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