then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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