Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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