His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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