You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
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When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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