Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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