I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
