you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
