She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
