Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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