Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
