I hate your face
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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