It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
