you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
