I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Can you bring me the toilet please
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
