Come see our sink grown plant.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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