You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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