It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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