Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.