please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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