So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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