I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
