Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
