im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
