The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
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I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
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I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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