just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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