I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
