just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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