Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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