I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Randomize
