im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
