I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
