dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
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So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
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High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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