Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
