Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
