so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
