I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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