I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
