just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
