It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.