Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby