Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.