our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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