I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
