I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just found puke in my bra..
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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