Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
