if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
